Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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