I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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