I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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