85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
