sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
