there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
