I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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