he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
And then he peed in my hair
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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