Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just puked most of my soul out..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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