Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
