Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
