I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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