you turned your livingroom into a bong?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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