I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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