just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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