Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
