u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize