I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
