My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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