This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
