things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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