Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
