You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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