there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
