Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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