Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
