It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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