grandma shit on top of the toilet
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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