I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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