He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
