bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
