I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
