My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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