Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
