Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
