She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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