You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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