I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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