i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
