And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
