I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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