I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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