Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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