I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
