I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize