she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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