He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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