I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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