If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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