pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
