why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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