We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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