How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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