I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
40s are totally the cure
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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