no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
