At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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